Ok, here's one I posted at NFBS, sometime ago: "Greek Shop sign"
"The store today will not open because it will be closed."
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Posted 16 January 2014 - 11:49 AM
And speaking of instructions, here's an old joke that my friend DrG from NFBS forums posted (She's our weekly joke poster, among other things! - Expected to join us soon!):
Signs by English-As-A-Second-Language Writers
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
On an Athi River highway:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
One of the Mathare buildings:
Mental health prevention centre.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
Salad a firm's own make;
limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own @ss?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today—no ice-cream.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
My name is Elsa Von Spielburg and I am a Paladin.
What kind of Hero Are You?
Posted 17 January 2014 - 03:20 AM
I love the sign in the Greek restaurant. "The restaurant will not be open today because it is closed." Uhm... thanks for the information...
More Funny instructions
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead - destroy a childhood belief...)
Posted 18 January 2014 - 04:52 AM
Edited by Gloryguy, 18 January 2014 - 04:52 AM.
Posted 18 January 2014 - 12:29 PM
I guess so! *shrug* That is weird.
Signs your cat has been using your computer
10. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post
9. On IRC you are known as IronMouser
8. You keep finding new software round the house like WarCat III
7. Your computer has a strange territorial scent to it
6. Hate mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of Cyberdog
5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it and the strange aroma of tuna
4. Your web browser's new home page is www.feline.com
3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip
2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard
1. Email flames from some guy named Fluffy
Posted 22 January 2014 - 03:12 PM
Gonna have to ask Charles about that, he's had 7 cats at the same time!
Posted 24 January 2014 - 08:48 AM
A wife says to her husband, "I want sex like the olympics."
He says to her, "You mean, faster, higher, stronger?"
She says, "No, every 4 years."
Posted 27 January 2014 - 09:30 AM
A man's in bed with a woman who's not his wife when suddenly they hear a van pull up the driveway. The woman jumps out of bed, completely naked, looks out the window and screams, "Oh my God, it's my husband."
The man (also completely naked) also jumps out, clutching his trousers to his vulnerable area and says "Are you sure?"
She rolls her eyes and says "Sure I'm sure, you twit, I recognise the van. My husband works in a slaughterhouse and he just got a few steaks out of the van. God, I hate it when he brings his work home with him. Grab your clothes and hide in the wardrobe, I'll throw something on and pretend that I was preparing an amourous 'welcome home' surprise for him."
The man grabs his clothes and gets in the wardrobe. He starts pulling his trousers on, in the dark, when he hears a little voice saying, "Coo, it's dark in here, isn't it?"
He looks around wildly and says, "Who are you?"
The voice says "My name is Timmy and I saw everything you did. I'm going to tell my daddy."
The man goes pale and says, "No no no no no no, w-wait, look, I'll give you five dollars if you keep your mouth shut."
And Timmy answers, "What do you mean, if I keep my mouth shut? I'm a good boy, I was brought up right and I always tell the truth to my daddy. Besides, five dollars isn't enough. I want ten."
The man clenches his fist and says, "You little monster!", then realises he isn't going to get a better deal and says, "Done." Timmy happily takes his ten dollars, and while the husband is distracted by his wife's amourous advances and his steak dinner, the man slips out the back window and down the drainpipe.
The next morning Timmy brandishes his ten dollars proudly at the breakfast table and his dad says, "Where did you get that?"
Timmy says, "A man in the wardrobe gave it to me."
His dad says, "No he didn't, you're lying. You're a liar and you probably stole that ten dollars, and you know what happens to liars and thieves. So after you finish your breakfast, I want you to go to church and confess."
So Timmy finishes his breakfast and goes along to the church. He gets in the confessional, looks around, and says, "Coo, it's dark in here, isn't it?"
And the priest on the other side says, "Not you again!!"
Posted 28 January 2014 - 08:48 AM
I don't know what NFBS or DrG are, sorry.
Hmm. I just got this from my mom (I am Jewish) and thought it was too cute not to share. Hope you enjoy - and if you can think of more to contribute, please do!
Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother:
'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
Christopher Columbus' Jewish Mother:
'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write...'
Michelangelo's Jewish Mother:
'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?'
Napoleon's Jewish Mother:
'You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'
Abraham Lincoln's Jewish Mother:
'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'
Thomas Edison's Jewish Mother:
'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!'
Paul Revere's Jewish Mother:
'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!'
Albert Einstein's Jewish Mother:
'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?'
Moses' Jewish Mother:
'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?'
Bill Gates' Jewish Mother:
'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'
Bill Clinton's Jewish Mother:
'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl!'