So I was thinking. If you were choking one of the smurfs, what colour would it turn?
And apropos of nothing, here's a joke.
A man goes on a luxury cruise, and one of the fun activities was (apparently) playing leapfrog. Well, he thinks to himself, you're only young once but you can try again. So off he goes playing leapfrog - leaps over the cook, leaps over the captain and - whoops! - goes flying over the ship's rails and into the ocean.
So of course the ocean thinks "Nice of you to drop in... plenty to drink..." And the man there thinks "Oh my god, I'm going to die", and his life passes in front of his eyes... and he sees Marlene Dietrich, and Buster Keaton - and he thinks "Hang on, that isn't my life, is it?" and just then, he breaks through the water and takes a big long gulp of air and thinks, "Thank god, I'm not dead after all."
Off he goes swimming. Swim, swim, pant, pant - LAND! He sees in the distance an island. Off he goes, swim, swim, pant, pant, swim. He makes it!
And there he sits on his little deserted island for 8 weeks, just him, you know - and his desert island discs, of course. Then at the end of the 8 weeks, he sees an apparition appear to him out of the water. It comes out of the water - and he sees that it's a woman, clad in a diving suit, and the moment she speaks he realises that she's French.
"Oh, you poorrr man," she says. "'Ow long's it been zince you've 'ad a zmoke?"
"8 weeks," he says. "Eight long, stinking, miserable weeks. I'm thinking of giving it up," he says.
"Eight weeks?" she says. And she unzips a pocket on the left of her diving suit, pulls out a packet of cigarettes and gives him one, and he sits there and smokes away, happy.
"'Ow long's it been," she says, "zince you've 'ad a leettle drinkie-winkie?"
"8 weeks," he says - and she unzips a pocket on the right of her diving suit, pulls out a little whiskey bottle, and he takes it and has a long drink.
Then she starts to unzip the front of her diving suit - just starts to, you know - and she says, "'Ow long's it been zince you played around?"
"My God" he says - "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?"