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A little joke thread...

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#1 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 27 December 2013 - 12:40 AM

So I was thinking. If you were choking one of the smurfs, what colour would it turn?

 

And apropos of nothing, here's a joke. ;)

A man goes on a luxury cruise, and one of the fun activities was (apparently) playing leapfrog. Well, he thinks to himself, you're only young once but you can try again. So off he goes playing leapfrog - leaps over the cook, leaps over the captain and - whoops! - goes flying over the ship's rails and into the ocean.

So of course the ocean thinks "Nice of you to drop in... plenty to drink..." And the man there thinks "Oh my god, I'm going to die", and his life passes in front of his eyes... and he sees Marlene Dietrich, and Buster Keaton - and he thinks "Hang on, that isn't my life, is it?" and just then, he breaks through the water and takes a big long gulp of air and thinks, "Thank god, I'm not dead after all."

Off he goes swimming.  Swim, swim, pant, pant - LAND! He sees in the distance an island. Off he goes, swim, swim, pant, pant, swim. He makes it!

And there he sits on his little deserted island for 8 weeks, just him, you know - and his desert island discs, of course. Then at the end of the 8 weeks, he sees an apparition appear to him out of the water. It comes out of the water - and he sees that it's a woman, clad in a diving suit, and the moment she speaks he realises that she's French.

"Oh, you poorrr man," she says. "'Ow long's it been zince you've 'ad a zmoke?"

"8 weeks," he says. "Eight long, stinking, miserable weeks. I'm thinking of giving it up," he says.

"Eight weeks?" she says. And she unzips a pocket on the left of her diving suit, pulls out a packet of cigarettes and gives him one, and he sits there and smokes away, happy.

"'Ow long's it been," she says, "zince you've 'ad a leettle drinkie-winkie?"

"8 weeks," he says - and she unzips a pocket on the right of her diving suit, pulls out a little whiskey bottle, and he takes it and has a long drink.

Then she starts to unzip the front of her diving suit - just starts to, you know - and she says, "'Ow long's it been zince you played around?"

"My God" he says - "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?"


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#2 Elsa Von Spielburg

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Posted 27 December 2013 - 02:46 PM

:lol: I've even seen a Greek video version of this joke! :D But the last part, they mention a Playstation! :lol:



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#3 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 28 December 2013 - 08:46 AM

Playstation??? <collapses in fits of giggles> ;)

 

Your turn to tell a joke! :D


Edited by Rath Darkblade, 28 December 2013 - 08:46 AM.

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#4 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 09 January 2014 - 11:11 PM

Hmm... I guess no-one wants to tell a joke? :(  Oh well - then I will. ;)

 

A very old and very dear friend of mine has recently gone on an exercise spree. He's jogging away, he gets to the fruit-and-vegetable shop, drops down and does 45 push-ups. "How old," he asks the fruit-and-veg man, "how old do you think I am?"

The fruit-and-veg man thinks about it. "Ooooh," he says, "about 71?"

"Ha!" my friend gloats. "87, mate, 87!"

Off he goes jogging again. He gets to the butcher's, drops down and does 45 push-ups.  "How old do you think I am?" he asks the butcher.

The butcher has a good look at him, and thinks about it. "Ooooh," he says, "maybe about 73?"

"Ha!" my friend gloats. "87, mate, 87!"

Off he goes jogging again. He gets to the bus stop, there's a dear old lady standing there. He drops down again and does 45 push-ups. (Makes me tired just writing this).

"Bet you can't guess how old I am!" he says to the old lady.

She reaches over, puts her hand down the front of his trainers and has a good - you know - rummage around, while she thinks about it... "87!" she says.

My friend is stunned. "How did you know?!"

And she says, "I was at the butcher's!"


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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

#5 Elsa Von Spielburg

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Posted 10 January 2014 - 12:59 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



My name is Elsa Von Spielburg and I am a Paladin.

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www.theschoolforheroes.com


#6 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 10 January 2014 - 11:40 PM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were very mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

Then the boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"


My Inner Hero - Wizard!



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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

#7 Soulforge89

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Posted 11 January 2014 - 04:09 PM

Oh wooooooow.... *laughs*

#8 Elsa Von Spielburg

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Posted 11 January 2014 - 10:08 PM

That is cute and funny all-together! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



My name is Elsa Von Spielburg and I am a Paladin.

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www.theschoolforheroes.com


#9 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 09:26 PM

Top 10 Bad Things About Having To Share Summer Time with Darth Vader

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.


My Inner Hero - Wizard!



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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

#10 Orion

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Posted 13 January 2014 - 02:28 AM

Hah!

 

#3 reminds me of the Family Guy parodies.  "No... no... Mister Vader no here."


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#11 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 14 January 2014 - 12:00 AM

Cat Translations

1. Miaow - Feed me.

2. Meeow - Pet me.

3. Mrooww - I love you.

4. Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

5. Mrow - I feel like making noise.

6. Rrrow-mawww - Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box

7. Rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

8. Miaowmiaow - Play with me

9. Miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

10. Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture

11. Raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

12. Mrowwwww - I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

13. Roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

14. Gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

15. Mow - Snuggling is a good idea.

16. Moww - Shedding is pretty good too

17. Mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

18. Miaow! Miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

19. Mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

20. SsssRoww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.

21. Mmmrowmmm - It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.

22. Mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.

23. Mreoaw - Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.

24. Mreeeow - Do you serve catnip with that?

25. Mroow - I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?

26. Miaooww! Mriaow! - Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.

27. Mrrrrrowwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! - You have stepped on my tail. Prepare to be shredded. Resistance is futile.


Edited by Rath Darkblade, 14 January 2014 - 12:00 AM.

My Inner Hero - Wizard!



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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

#12 Ghost_Rider

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Posted 14 January 2014 - 03:24 AM

Yep, some of those sounds are very accurate  :)



#13 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 15 January 2014 - 01:05 AM

Lady's HouseKeeping Tips

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."


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My Inner Hero - Wizard!



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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

#14 Elsa Von Spielburg

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Posted 15 January 2014 - 01:48 PM

:rofl:  I should print this list and show it to my dad everytime he wants me to clearn the house... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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My name is Elsa Von Spielburg and I am a Paladin.

What kind of Hero Are You?

www.theschoolforheroes.com


#15 Rath Darkblade

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Posted 16 January 2014 - 09:19 AM

:rofl:  I should print this list and show it to my dad every time he wants me to clean the house... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Feel free! :)  That list has been floating around the internet for a long long time.  I think I saw it back when I was doing my first university degree (back in 1998 or so). ;)

 

Funny instructions

10. On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

9. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

8. On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(...and that would be how?)

7. On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

6. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

4. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? And whose body d'you mean?)

3. On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(Keep those 5-year-olds off the fork-lifts!)

2. On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(I hope so!)

 

1. On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)


My Inner Hero - Wizard!



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There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.




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