Pilgrims of the Shrivelled Rose

Characters:

The Black Thumb, perpetrator of evil, who heads a group of cowled criminals in merry old England.

Lord Jake Anston, ineffective and vague, occasionally unscrupulous but not offensively so.

Bishop Small - from where does he get his robes? Some say he is on the take, but nothing has been proved.

Imera - French and heartless, her aristocratic dark looks are ageless. She has a girlish enthusiasm for other people's pain, and is a very sore loser.

Harold Whenwhistle - if you can decipher the tangled miasma of his speech, you must be as mad as he is. Elderly servant, half-deaf.

Lady Ethel Dubboe - overbearing matron who is assiduous in depressing anyone's pretensions but her own.

Sir Henry Dubboe, baronet - almost always asleep, and when he wakes, carries on with the conversation in which he partook just before his forty winks. Utters platitudes with panache.

Betty - has a screech that could wake the dead across the sea. Dirty, grubby, ill-mannered, and cheap - some people say she's a loose hussy, but that's only wide-spread rumour.

Will the Tight - a steady imbiber, adept at relieving worthy citizens of their money, an associate of Betty's, picks fights whenever he's in an aggressive mood (which is most of the time).

Arlack - a wiseman by whose power the four 20th century people may be able to escape from merry old England.

Bruno Dunn - a stupid scavenger who is responsible for accidently transporting the 4 people in a lift. He was Betrick's apprentice. (Betrick, now dead, was a crazy inventor who was chiefly renowned for never inventing anything that worked. After he died, Bruno Dunn had fun taking everything apart, and putting it back together in higgledy-piggledy fashion. The resulting invention blew up once the four were transported to the 13th century.)

Goldstein - Jewish merchant, outcast. He's always prepared to help out - at a price.

Lord Richard Vayne (Viscount) - as vain as his name. A handsome peacock, who resents his better nature, but puts up a good show.

Anna Harvey - computers. English. She has a diploma in self-defence, a diploma in cooking, a diploma in acting, a diploma in car mechanics - of course, that doesn't mean she can actually do any of these things.

Robert Roberts - American. Ex-soldier, ex-oilman, ex-university lecturer, currently selling miniature encyclopaedias. And what else is he?

Hai Cha - Chinese doctor. Thinks it's great fun - his judo black belt and beady eyes intimidate most would-be foes.

Mary Quarters - middle-aged housewife, Australian. What she's got in her shopping bags would surprise most people. She misses her poodle, Poochie - oh, and her husband too, of course.



Episode 1 of "Pilgrims of the Shrivelled Rose"

YES, WE HAVE LIFT-OFF

SF1 - Sound of crowd, SF2 - beeping of lift. SF3 - Running feet (high heels).

Anna Hold that lift, please! Thank you. (catches breath)

Hai Cha Ahh! (grunt of pain)

Mary Sorry.

Hai Cha Might I suggest that you point your umbrella in someone else's direction?

Mary Well, really. I can't fit it in my shopping bags - I've got far too much to carry. (in stage whisper) He's so aggressive.

Anna Can I just ...

Robert Oh. Sorry. Look, you just squeeze in here, honey. Ouch! Jeez, lady, what're you carrying in there? A ton of bricks?

Mary Just a few odds and ends. It's not my fault that this stupid lift is so stupid and small. I mean, all I wanted to do was come out here to England for a trip with Poochie, and do a little shopping, and see the sights, but last week I got stuck in a lift, same as this one, all iron grilles and jerky and slow, and it took half an hour - I'm not joking - half an hour to fix it, and the icecream in my shopping bag melted.

SF4 - (Lift makes a funny sound.)

Mary Ooh!

Hai Cha What was that? I must hope that we are not to experience a similar - ah, this does not feel safe. I will get out at the next floor.

Anna Madame, would you mind not stepping on my foot? I wouldn't mind for myself, but my shoes did cost three hundred pounds.

Robert Each?

Anna I hope you're not looking for work as a comedian. It would be such a drain on social security.

SF5 -Lift screeches to a stop. It shakes violently and everyone screams.

Hai Cha Excuse me, excuse me, I will get out when this lift door opens.

Robert Hang on a moment - you look like a sensible, well-informed man. And that's something rare in this world, believe me. I've got just the thing for you - to maintain that high degree of knowledge and understanding about the world, you can't do better than Wibley's Miniature Encyclopaedia, a complete and up-to-date ...

SF6 - Lift door opens

Hai Cha I already have a set of encyclo ... what is this? Is this a joke?

Mary I didn't know London stores had this sort of effect. How do they get it looking like this?

Robert Oh my God.

SF7 - Bird sounds

Anna This is inconceivable. I don't believe this. I've strayed into a nightmare. This lift cannot possibly be standing in the middle of a meadow!

Robert Well, this is grass. That's the sky. There's the sun. And over there's a strange contraption .. a very strange contraption. My guess - call it a hunch - is that this lift has not confined itself to strictly vertical movement.

Hai Cha Please, is this a joke? An English joke? Ha, ha, very funny - now, can we go back, please?

Mary Isn't this the store?

Anna That extraordinary shaking we experienced, as though we were some hapless victims inside a a particularly vicious clothes dryer - obviously it was more than merely a dangerously obsolete lift protesting its servitude. This meadow is complete with trees and cows. I think it's safe to assume that we are no longer in the store. Of course, this is merely an opinion.

Mary What?

Robert And the guy who's operating that very strange contraption over there is coming this way. What's the betting that he had something to do with our arrival? Hey, get a look at those clothes!

Hai Cha Is not a joke? Not funny. I must get back!

Mary Where are we? What's happened? Where's Poochie? I want my Poochie!

Anna I see no necessity for that singularly hysterical blubbering, my good woman. We're in somewhat of a predicament. I don't yet understand why we've suddenly been transported to this charmingly rural scene, but ... you! Who are you? How did you get us here?

Bruno Forsoothe, me list ful yvele playe. What wiltou sayen?

Anna We're in a foreign land, obviously.

Bruno I moot be wood. Be ye nought wel arrayed?

Mary I've never heard any language like that. Dear lord, dear lord, it's aliens! It must have been a UFO. We've been captured by aliens! Ahh! Ahh!

Hai Cha Be silent, woman ... ah! Much better.

SF8 - Thump of body and sigh

Robert Hey, cool! What did you do to her?

Hai Cha Ancient art of the orient. It is how we deal with ... er ...

Robert Nagging, hysterical women?

Hai Cha Precisely.

Anna You chauvinistic piglets. Instead of preening your insufferable male egos, you might bend your puny minds to this little hiatus. Do any of you understand what's this man is saying?

Bruno Foryive me hoolly this trespas. Have pitee of my bittre teres smerte, so mote I goon.

Robert Sure. I used to be a University lecturer. Ancient languages, so I know just a smattering of middle English.

Anna Middle English? He's speaking middle English? I don't believe this. Who on earth would be speaking middle English in the twentieth century? Unless ... is what you're basically saying that you think we've been moved through time as well as through space?

Robert Well, given the fact that we were in a lift in 20th century London, and when the lift doors opened, we were in a lift in the middle of a pretty little sunlit meadow, and this guy wearing these really weird clothes comes up and starts talking like some character in Chaucer ...

Anna Is what you're basically saying that we've been transported back into the Middle Ages, somewhere in England? Is that what you're basically saying?

Robert Yeah.

Anna Thank you. I just wanted that point clarified.

Mary Ahhh! No, no, you Chinese monster, you stay away from me! Violence against women! None of your hocus-pocus, now!

Hai Cha I do not hocus-pocus. I am hoping my English is not very good, and that I totally misunderstand what is being said, yes?

Robert Nope.

Hai Cha I am going back in the lift. I will press the button, and pray.

Anna Good idea.

Mary Wait, wait!

SF9 - Clatter of feet, whack of shopping bags against bodies

Robert Ouch! Not the shopping bag again!

Anna All right. I'm pressing the down button, now. I'm closing my eyes, now.

SF10 - Button pressed, then silence

Hai Cha Nothing. The doors do not even close.

SF11 - Buttons repeatedly pressed

Anna None of the buttons are working.

Robert Well, that isn't surprising. I wouldn't expect a lift stuck in the middle of nowhere to work.

Mary Stuck in a lift in the middle of a meadow. In the middle of meadow, for heaven's sake. I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

Bruno Bi goddes self! I wyl nauther grete ne grone. I wysse thou art welcom.

Anna Well, Mr University Lecturer? What is he saying? Come now, what's a mediaeval phrase between friends?

Mary Mediaeval? Like in the Middle Ages? You mean, back in time? We're back in time?

Anna We've already gone through the shock-horror bit. I don't need an instant replay. You were saying, Mr Middle Ages expert?

Robert You really want to know?

Anna Oh really. Why not drop the pretence? After all, what would a university lecturer be doing trying to sell encyclopaedias?

Robert I wanted a change. Now hush. The man wants to talk.

Bruno I noot where you be gomes or deuyles.

Robert He said, "I don't know whether you're men or devils"

Hai Cha Tell him "We come in peace."

Robert Too corny.

Mary Tell him to let us go. Please! I want my Poochie! Who's going to feed my Poochie? Bill will just give him some cheap junk, instead of his medium rare steak with mushroom sauce. He'll lock him up in the laundry. He'll be frightened without me. Oh! Ooh!

Anna Oh, good lord. Ask him his name.

Robert Who artou?

Bruno A Goddes name, lordinges, I highte Bruno Dunn.

Robert He said ...

Anna I know. His name is Bruno Dunn. Ask him how we got here.

Robert Look. If I'm going to have to translate everything the guy says, we're going to have a less-than-riveting radio play, right? I mean, who wants to listen to a play they can't understand? Why don't we ask the script writer to make us all fluent in middle English? Huh? How about it? Huh? It might make things a little easier, you know. Well?

Mary Yoo hoo! Miss Script Writer!

Robert Script writers - they're never around when you need one. Okay, let's proceed on the assumption that we've just taken a crash course in middle English. Okay? That would help the plot along a bit, don't you think?

Hai Cha Is a good idea. Okay, Bruno, tell us, how did we get here?

Bruno Oh, great ones, is it for me to know the great mysteries of this world?

Anna Don't try to evade the question, my good man. What do you know about this lift? Why are you standing here in the middle of a deserted meadow - or at least, a meadow that was deserted previous to our unprecedented arrival? What is that strange metal contraption over there?

Robert You tell him, honey.

Bruno Oh sir, oh ladies, oh - what's that?

Robert What's what?

Bruno That, over there. Him with the eyes and the skin like a Turk.

Hai Cha Ah, I am pleased to meet you. I am Dr Hai Cha, but please, Chinese, not Turkish.

Bruno He's a devil, that's what he is. A strange, evil-eyed devil.

Robert I can't really agree with you there, Bruno old pal. Mind you, I don't know the man all that well, but ...

Mary I want to go home!

Anna Bruno! Cease this verbal meandering, and answer the question.

Robert Don't you mean, "questions"? And a barrage of them, at that.

Anna Look here, you smart-aleck American, why don't you try letting the man answer? I, for one, would like to know where we are, when we are, how and why we are here?

Mary Ahh, ahh!

Bruno I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean no harm. I just ... well, it got so ... well ... boring after old Betrick - Lord bless his soul - passed on.

Hai Cha Passed on what?

Bruno Don't you speak to me, you spawn of the devil. Now, now, you just mind your own hellish business, and I'll mind mine.

Robert And a better offer than that you won't get. Come on, Bruno, give. Who's Betrick?

Bruno Betrick, he was an inventor, he was. He made all sorts of things, strange things, wonderful things. Course, none of them worked. But he paid well, you see, for a poor old apprentice to help him with his inventions. After he died, I just, you know, took everything apart. And then, I just, you know, put it back together again, only it didn't go back the way I thought it would. That is what it ended up like.

Anna I see. But ... everything's broken. It just looks like a lump of soldered metal - reminds me of a vile twisted bit of pretentious iron which my sister said was a statue representing the mind of a tormented soul contemplating its next meal.

Bruno It wasn't like this! It sort of blew up, as soon as that wondrous box of yours appeared. With smoke and everything! Just like Greek fire, only ... worse! Much worse. I shouldn't 'ave done it. I shouldn't 'ave ever done it.

Robert Oh, God, don't let this heap of junk be beyond repair. Please God. Please God. Remember how I went to church last Christmas? Huh?

Hai Cha I would say your prayer is useless. This is indeed a heap of junk, as you described. Whatever form it had, it is now impossible to tell. Metal has melted and run together, parts have exploded and are beyond mortal reclaim. Can not be fixed. Very sorry. Very sorry for me. Very sorry for you. Very sorry ...

Anna We'll take your condolences as read, Mr Cha.

Mary Oh Poochie! Poochie!

Hai Cha I do not know what we can do.

Robert I guess I should have gone more regularly. Well, for a start, how about introducing ourselves? I'm Robert Roberts, born in the United State of America, encyclopaedia salesman extraordinaire.

Anna Robert Roberts?

Robert My mother had no imagination.

Anna A character trait she obviously failed to pass onto you. My name is Anna Harvey ...

Robert Miss or Mrs?

Anna Ms.

Bruno What's this Ms?

Mary Mrs is good enough for me ...

Anna Before I was so rudely interrupted by an inordinately personal question ...

Robert If you think that was a personal question, you ought to wait till I really get going.

Anna If you have nothing of value to contribute to the conversation save your usual gutter level of salacious lewdness or American clap-trap, you should shut up. Of course, that would mean you'd never be able to talk again, I suppose.

Robert Whoa! Sorry, your highness. So tell us, what do you do?

Anna I'm a computer consultant. I am British.

Bruno Begging your pardon, ma'am, but how can you walk in those things?

Anna Those? You mean, my shoes? I walked on stilts as a child.

Hai Cha On stilts?

Robert Very good. You know, I really like that British sense of humour, all laid-back and really dry.

Anna One, love.

Hai Cha I did not know that one uses stilts to train for wearing high heels. Have I said something funny? Oh. Is a joke.

Robert Yeah, well, we know that you're Hai Cha, and that you're a doctor. Anything else we should know about you?

Hai Cha I have a black belt, sixth dan, in judo.

Robert No kidding? Well, that should come in handy - I mean, let's face it, we're in a real sticky situation here.

Anna I have a diploma in self-defence.

Robert A bit redundant, isn't it? Who's going to dare attack such a mouthy female? One cool, cutting remark from you, and any would-be attacker'd get slashed to ribbons.

Bruno Oh, but there's trouble brewing, my lords and ladies. Ooh. Trouble and more trouble.

Mary I want to go home. I want my Poochie!

Robert Hey, calm down, okay? I guess Poochie is your husband.

Mary Oh no. Poochie is my sweet little pedigreed poodle. He must be missing me horribly. My husband's name is Bill. Fancy you thinking that Poochie is my husband. (Laugh.)

Anna You have yet to tell us your own name, or should we just call you "The shopping bag"?

Mary Oh, no, no. My name is Mary. Mrs Mary Quarters. I'm on holiday from Melbourne. Australia, you know.

Bruno I never thought it would work. Betrick said it would, but I never believed him. I never should have pulled that handle.

Robert Well, it's done now. The only consolation is, since we were able to travel through time once, we must be able to do it again.

Anna Of course. All we have to do is build an unspecified machine, set it to an unspecified setting, pull some unspecified handle, and voila. We got here by sheer chance, and realistically you must see how infinitely small our chances are of getting back to our own time. Where are we, anyway? I mean, exactly where? And exactly when? What year?

Bruno Well, it's England, ma'am. Shropshire. Finest country on God's green earth. As for when, why, it's the year of our Lord 1381.

Robert Well. So we've skipped back more than six hundred years. That's some trip.

Bruno You're from the future? O great ones, o mighty lords and ladies. Oh! Oh! So old Betrick wasn't wrong, then! Well, not all wrong.

Mary How will we ever get home again? Oh, Poochie, Poochie, Poo!

Anna Oh, really! Mrs Quarters, would you control yourself! Or shall we ask Mr Cha to deal with you?

Mary No, no! I'm all right. And call me Mary. Please. (sniffs occasionally.)

Anna 1381. Now, who was on the throne then?

Bruno Why, King Richard, ma'am. Although he's not really on the throne, you see. He hasn't exactly come into his majority yet, see, so Parliament, they gives the power to these nobles, you see. Just till King Richard - God bless the young whisker! - until he's old enough to rule the kingdom.

Robert There's no regent. I think I recall ...

Anna Of course! Richard the Second! It's about forty years after the Black Plague ...

Bruno That's right, ma'am. Oh, a terrible time that was.

Anna And the Black Prince (Prince Edward) is dead ...

Bruno Lord luv you, 'course he's dead!

Hai Cha Black Plague, Black Prince ... a lot of black things in this time.

Bruno And that's not the worst of it. There's a horrible curse on the land, the working of a villainous murderer, only he works in darkness, so's you can't see him ...

Mary See who?

Bruno The Black Thumb.

Anna The Black Thumb? I don't remember reading about him.

Robert If I remember correctly, there are a few obscure references in some even more obscure documents of the time which might have some bearing on the matter. Does he lead a group of monks - evil monks, who ride in the dead of night to commit their black crimes?

Bruno It's him! It's him! He's the leader of the cowled criminals, the black-hearted perpetrators of evil! And all honest folk must beware!

Robert That lets me out.

Anna Must you always joke?

Robert Hey, loosen up, Anna. We're having a real, honest-to-God adventure. We might as well relax and enjoy it.

Hai Cha Why is he called the Black Thumb?

Bruno No-one knows. Or maybe the corpses of his victims know. But I don't know. I don't know anybody who knows.

Anna Right. No-one knows. Well, Robert Roberts, what happened to this Black Thumb?

Robert I don't know. I don't know anybody who knows. I don't ...

Mary We'll all be murdered in our beds!

Hai Cha Beds! Ha! It will be dark in a few hours. Where will we go? Where will we stay? I am not going to sleep in a lift that seems to be designed for a chihuahua.

Bruno Don't fret, my ladies, my lord. And you, you strange-looking devil, you. You can all stay at poor, departed Betrick's castle. It's a wondrous castle, indeed it is. Never seen nothing like it, I haven't.

Robert It seems more important that we look at ways of getting back to our own time, rather than worrying where we'll lay our heads tonight. Bruno, are there any plans or anything that Betrick left - something he used to design his time machine?

Bruno Oh yes, sir. At least, I think so - Betrick sometimes just put things together on the spur of the moment. Called it a divine gift, he did. But with this thing - 'e went and drew things up. Anyway, I told you, nothing he invented ever worked. Poor crazy old coot.

Anna Then how are going to get back? I have absolutely no intention of living out the remainder of my life in the 14th century.

Robert Okay, guys. We'll go check out this Betrick guy's castle. Maybe something we find there could be useful.

Mary Yes! Oh, if only I were home again. Bill told me not to spend so much time shopping, and now look what's happened! The only time Bill was ever right about anything, and I end up in the Middle Ages. Oh! Please, Robert, dear boy, maybe you could take this bag, and Mr Cha ...

Hai Cha Call me Hai.

SF12 - Sounds of shopping bags changing hands

Mary Oh. All right. Hai, you could carry this, and Anna ...

Anna No, Mrs Quarters, I have my briefcase and my bag to carry. In my briefcase is what is definitely the only solar-powered computer in the world at this time. I think that may be more important than your icecream, or knitting wool, or whatever it is that you have.

Mary Oh, I don't have any icecream this time, Anna dear. Wool, though ... I got this really nice soft blue-grey that will be perfect for my nephew. I'm knitting him a jumpsuit and a pair of booties.

Robert You said you've got a computer? Hey, Anna, that's smart thinking. I've got a sample copy of Wibley's miniature encyclopaedia - and what do you know? It just happens to be the Engines to Igloos volume. I think the script writer is on our side. Ladies and gentleman, we have the history of England - in miniature - right in my hand.

SF13 - Leafing through book

Hai Cha It looks as though this nice sunshine is not going to last. I suggest we go now to this Betrick's castle.

Anna Yes. We will make an inventory of what we have, and we can search the house for anything useful. I have a vague feeling that we'll need as much help as we can get.

SF14 - Music

Robert Onward, march! Careful, Anna. I've got a vague feeling that those spiked heels are going to cause you a few ...

SF15 -Splurgh

Anna Ouch! My ankle! This blasted mud! It's all over my skirt.

Robert It isn't mud.

SF16 - Thick trickle and moo

Anna Oh, no. Does someone have a handkerchief? Several handkerchiefs? One laugh out of you, Roberts, and you'll have more than egg on your face, if you understand me. (Voices fade.)

End of first episode

Awesome!

I need to figure out tabs or indents or something...

I freely admit that some of my influence for this play comes from Monty Python. Especially a later bit.

Very nice!

Till next time stay cool

I have to html this story still... I don't know whether to post it at my Coromandel Coast site or not... because I hope to interest a radio station in it. <sigh> Hmm.

Whoa, wait-a-minute. . . You mean you wrote this? <falls over from shock> <gapes in awe>

I'll read this soon.... Darn HTML work and research is painstakingly hard...

Well... yes... I wrote it...

There's more. But I'll wait until everyone who's going to read this bit has read this bit. That makes sense. <nods to self> <smile>

Episode 2: YES SIR, THREE BAGS FULL

Anna: This is Betrick's home? It looks like a castle out of faerie legend.

Robert: Disneyland. That's what it reminds me of.

Bruno: I told you I've never seen nuffin' like it.

Mary: But you said this Betrick was a crazy old loony - how could he afford all this?

Bruno: Well, you see, 'e didn't have to work, you know, 'cause 'e was rich. 'is father was rich, and 'is grandfather afore him. But 'e wanted to be an inventor, you see, 'cause 'he thought 'e 'ad the divine gift, you see.

Hai Cha: Is what you call a pipe-dream, yes?

Robert: Yeah, look, the place is really pretty, but it's getting cold, so why don't we ... entrez?

Anna: I might have known your French would be execrable, Roberts. Bruno, what about servants, and so on? Will there be anyone inside here?

Bruno: Ooh, no, not at all. This 'ere castle is empty, apart from a few mice and spiders and such-like things.

Mary: Aah! Aah! Mice! Spiders! I hate them, I hate them! I'm not going in there!

Robert: Well, Mary, I guess that means you'll have to spend tonight out in the open, all alone.

Anna: Perhaps we will be able to get through at least one hour without an hysterical screech.

Mary: Out here? All alone? But who knows what could be out here? Dragons or goblins or ...

SF1 - Rustling clothing, while searching for key

Bruno: Never 'eard of them, m'lady. Here's the key - I'll let us all in.

Hai Cha: Who owns this place now? A relative of Betrick?

SF2 - Grating key sounds

Bruno: I told you - the place is empty. Ahh, ahh, the key is stuck. This is the bad key, you see. I 'ad another one, but I've lost it.

Robert: Uh-uh. You're hiding something from us, Bruno. You get this shifty look in your eyes. Come on - what's up?

Bruno: Nuffin', nuffin'! Well, maybe one little detail. Nobody knows that Betrick is dead.

Anna: What?

Bruno: Don't look at me like that. I done no 'arm. It's just that ... well, it's all for the best. I 'ad Betrick's body buried - oh, so Will the Tight knows about ...

Hai Cha: Who or what is this Will the Tight? I am finding myself more and more confused.

Bruno: I was telling you. Will the Tight is a villager who got the name on account of 'is being tight most of the time. 'E's a drunken fool, that's what 'e is. Ahh! This misbegotten key! But you see, when Betrick died, I thought if I didn't tell anyone about his death, I might be able to find 'is .... ah ... (clears throat)

Anna: His what? What are you seeking? And what has Will the Tight got to do with any of this?

Bruno: Ah, yes, Will the Tight . Well, as I was saying, when Betrick died, I 'ad to 'ide 'is body, you see, so's no-one would know 'e was dead. But I couldn't do it on my own. Betrick was a very stout man. So I thought, you see, Will's so drunk most of the time, 'e don't remember much of what goes on. So I got 'old of him, you see, and we buried the body, you see, and 'e probably won't remember a thing. And if 'e does, it'll just be another bit of drunken rambling, you see.

Robert: Very devious. Now, you were saying before ...

Bruno: I was?

Robert: Yeah, about something you were looking for.

Bruno: Who, me?

Mary: He's hiding something.

Hai Cha: He has not the inscrutable face of the east. I can see clearly that he dissembles. His thoughts are clearly written on his face.

Anna: Bruno, evasion is useless. There's no saying what Hai Cha will do if he becomes angry. He might tear you limb from limb.

Bruno: Keep him away! All right, all right then. It was gold, gold I was looking for. I know that old Betrick 'id it somewhere in this house. I haven't been paid yet - you see, I get my remuneration once a year, and I haven't got this year's pay. Betrick died just one week before he was going to give it to me! (Whimpers.)

SF2b - More key sounds

Bruno: And there - the door's open! (Yowls.)

SF3 - The door creaks open.

Robert: Gold? I was wondering how we'd get on without any local currency.

Anna: Bruno, we need light. Stop snivelling - you'll be looked after, though you don't deserve it after bringing us all here by your ill-advised and ill-conceived meddling.

SF4 - Shuffling, slow moving

Bruno: I do indeed beg your pardon. I'll light some torches. If you find that gold, you will give me some of it, won't you?

Anna: If you do nothing to annoy us in the meantime, I suppose we can spare you a little.

Robert: That's if we find the money in the first place.

Bruno: Oh, it's there, all right. I've been spending a few days looking for it. But I couldn't look in the night. I don't like the night. It's so dark, and the Black Thumb, 'e's on the move. Better to be fast asleep at night.

Anna: This Black Thumb sounds a most unpleasant character.

Mary: I'm scared. It's so dark, even with these torches. I don't suppose there's any electricity?

Hai Cha: Why are we whispering?

SF5 - Giggle and shuffle

Robert: I think I heard something. Shh!

Silence. Then, from the next room...

Betty: Mmmm! Will, you little devil! Oooh, that tickles!

Will: You like that, my plump, winsome, lickerish squirrel? My little partridge! Give us another kiss!

Betty: Give over, do! Well, you didn't have to stop right away. A little cuddle, a little fondling, maybe ...

Will: Let's have some more mead, my merry maid!

SF6 - Sounds of imbibing and pouring from bottle

Bruno: Oh, forsooth!

Robert: I thought you said this place was deserted.

Anna: It seems as though it's being used as the local trysting place.

Bruno: It's Will! I'd recognize his drunken voice anywhere. And that trollop with him is Betty, I bet. What are they doin' here?

Anna: I think what they're doing here is plain enough. The question is, how did they get here?

Bruno: That's where my spare key went! That dirty scoundrel - he robbed me!

Hai Cha: I do not think we should be discovered. The fewer people who know of our unconventional method of arrival, the better.

Robert: Yeah. Bruno, you'll have to get them out without letting them see us. Come on, now, give them a taste of your righteous fury.

Bruno: Oh, yes, noble sir! How did that fink know that this house was empty? He must have remembered the burial! I'll teach him. I'll show him!

SF7 - Angry footsteps to next room. SF8 - Sounds of struggle.

Will: Argh!

Betty: Hey! What's this bursting in on a lady?

Bruno: You ain't no lady, Betty. I know you. The whole village knows you.

Betty: I am a lady. I'm just a very liberal lady.

Bruno: You're a serving wench, and many have you served, I'll swear. And you, you drunken, womanising thief ...

Will: Aargh! You never, ever grab me by the throat again, you hear?

Mary: They'll kill each other! Oh, I can't listen to this! I can't stand it!

Hai Cha: Excuse me. We had better get out of sight.

Bruno: Give me back my key! Where 'ave you got it, you thieving 'ound? Ahh! Here it is! All right, out you get!

Will: Oh no, you don't, Bruno, you cretinous cawker. Betrick's dead, isn't he? And if he's dead, you don't have no right to be here. And you don't have no right to kick me out. And you're not big enough to do it by force! So there!

Bruno: Dead? Betrick? Don't be more of a fool than you can 'elp, Will the Tight! I suppose you've been 'aving more alcoholic dreams. Betrick ain't dead, 'e's gone on a pilgrimage, same as 'e does every year, to look for the Flower of Chivalry.

Betty: What's that, then? I must say, I thought it was strange when Will said old Betrick had departed this life.

Will: Betty, you keep that plump little mouth of yours shut, till I tells you to open it. You can't fool me, Bruno Dunn. Betrick wasn't due to go on that pilgrimage for another month at least!

Bruno: Exceptin' that this year, because of the unusually 'ot spell we've been 'aving, the Flower of Chivalry is due to shrivel much earlier than usual. And this year 'e thinks 'e knows where it grows.

Will: He thinks he knows where it grows every year, you old fool. You know, I could have sworn that you and I buried ... never mind! I've had a bad couple of days. Sorry about your key, but well! My father raised me to be a pickpocket, so what could I do? You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Betty: A dapper dog you be, Will, but old! Never!

Will: Come on, Betty. We'd better leave poor old Bruno. We'll have to find some other snug little hideaway for our revels.

Betty: Fare you well, Bruno, fare you well! I'll revenge myself on you for that crack you made before, indeed I will!

SF9 - Footsteps, SF10 - castle door opens SF11 - and closes.

Bruno: All right. It's safe to come out now.

Anna: What were you talking about ... something about a Flower of Chivalry? Surely that's not a real flower?

Bruno: 'Course it's a real flower. Why else would it be called the Flower of Chivalry?

Robert: Ask a silly question ...!

Anna: The term has always been used metaphorically - at least, that I can recall.

Robert: You know, I just realized something ... when we get back, I'll be able to say "I remember back in 1381 ..." Gives the impression of great age, belied by our fantastic youthful appearance. Better than Oil of Ulan, huh?

Hai Cha: If we get back. That prospect seems a little doubtful at present.

Mary: Don't say that. I'm terrified as it is.

Anna: Bruno, about this Flower of Chivalry ... what exactly is it? You mentioned something about ... shrivelling ?

Bruno: Yes, my noble lady. The Flower of Chivalry is a rose, the perfect, beautiful Rose of the Old Legends. It is said that only in one place in England does the Flower of Chivalry grow. It blooms but once a year, for one day. Then, in the black pitch of night, at ten and a 'alf minutes past eleven, it ...

Robert: Ten and a half minutes past eleven? Why not midnight? Why ten and a half minutes past eleven?

Bruno: It's the legends, sir. I can't change the legends. All right? Well, at that time, it shrivels, and it stays shrivelled for three hours, and then it disintegrates. The legends say that if you pluck the Shrivelled Rose during those three hours, it imparts great powers and mastery of the Ilqroberith. Betrick never stopped looking for it.

Hai Cha: I do not know this Ilqroberith.

Bruno: Neither do I. Neither does anyone. Not even Betrick, but 'e wanted mastery of it anyway.

Hai Cha: And this Rose ... where can it be found? Great mysterious powers could be useful to us.

Bruno: I don't know. Betrick didn't know. I don't think anybody knows ...

Anna: Please! All right, it's a mystery. Let's forget about it. I don't think that old legends are going to be of the slightest use. Now, we were going to make an inventory of everything we have. Suppose you begin, Doctor.

SF12 - Unsnapping of bag

Hai Cha: Please call me Hai. All right, I have with me my doctor's bag, with various instruments and medicines. Very useful in case anyone gets sick.

Bruno: Excuse me, great ones, but I'm getting 'ungry. You don't mind if I get something to eat, do you?

Anna: Actually, I'm a little hungry myself. Bruno, you might as well bring our supper as well.

Bruno: All right.

SF13 -Shuffling feet

Robert: Yes, my lady. No, my lady. Is there anything else, my lady? Anna, you're priceless. Don't you just love ordering people around?

Anna: Roberts, if I could order people to do everything I bid, I'd have your head on a platter.

Robert: It looks much better on my neck. Sorry, go on, Hai. We're all ears.

SF14 - Jingling sound (clearing of pockets)

Hai Cha: I have a comb in my pocket, also some money (useless for this time), an American Express card (also useless), my watch, a lighter, a box of matches, a photo of my nephew ... ah, I believe you have not seen this photo, yes? Is he a fine boy, yes?

Robert: Yeah, he looks a very interesting kid.

Anna: Spare me, please. Photos of people's children or relatives rank second in my list of pet hates. No offence intended, Hai Cha.

Robert: What ranks first?

Anna: People who ask personal questions.

Hai: But he's a very clever boy, Anna. He's going into medicine, just like me. That's what he said. Just like me. He wants to be like his uncle, he said.

Mary: I wish I had a photo of Poochie. Oh, I miss him, that poor baby.

Anna: Shall we let the good doctor resume his inventory?

Hai: Ah ... just so. I have keys to my car, and my house and office (no use) and I have some business cards (no use). I think that is all.

Robert: Well, the lighter and the matches should come in handy. What about you, Mary? You must have a whole lot of useful stuff in those bags.

SF15 - Rustling of bags

Mary: I hope so. In this bag, let me see, I've got my camera ....

Anna: Now that is useful. Well done, Mary. I hope you have film with you.

Mary: Yes, I do. You think it might be of some use? I'm so glad. I nearly didn't bring my camera this morning, because Bill said I already had so many photos of London ...

Robert: You can never have too many, can you? What else do you have with you?

Mary: Well, let me see .... Oh, yes, my guide book of London (I guess everything's different now), and my micro-recorder, and my binoculars, and some historical novels ...

Hai Cha: I suppose they would be science fiction, now.

Anna: Good heavens, you have a veritable treasure trove in that bag! No wonder it was so heavy.

SF16 - Rustling of bag

Mary: And that's all I have in that bag. In this one, I have several jumpers that I just couldn't resist ...

Robert: Jumpers? Oh, you mean sweaters. For a moment I thought you were talking about those kangaroos you have in Australia.

Mary: Oh, you Americans! You kill me, you really do! Well, I also got this matching skirt in pure wool. You wouldn't believe how little I paid for it! I don't think they would help us much, though. Now let me see, what do I have in here? Ah, food. A really nice fruit cake, some tinned food, a very good bottle of white wine ...

Robert: Let me see. Ahh. 1987. That will be a very good year.

Anna: Is there any need for your facetiousness, Roberts? Must you plague us with these convoluted retrospective remarks?

Robert: Actually, Anna, I'm not sure retrospective is the right word.

Hai Cha: I see that Mary has some children's toys also.

Mary: Yes, I promised my sister I'd bring some things back for her kids. I got them these dolls, and this cute little bear, and then I thought I should get some other games, too, because Bill and I used to love playing board games, and of course, we didn't bring any games with us. But sometimes the train journeys are so long, and the plane trip - oh, talk about boring! They were showing this film in the plane that was so stupid, I couldn't make any sense of it. So I got these!

Anna: Travel Monopoly, Cluedo, Scrabble, and a pack of cards! Well, I think these rank as useful. I have a pocket chess set in my briefcase, so at least we have something to do on rainy days.

Robert: Chess, huh? May I challenge you to a game of chess a little later, Anna?

Anna: When I have a spare five minutes.

Robert: Oh, it might take me a bit longer than that to beat you.

Anna: It might take you until your date of birth to beat me, Roberts. I was national champion a few years ago.

Hai Cha: I also played competition chess. But this Cluedo, what is that?

Mary: Well, it's a sort of detective game. You have to solve the crime - find out who did it, and the room where it was done, and the weapon.

Robert: Lots of fun. Is that it, Mary?

Mary: Well, yes, except for my knitting wool, and all the stuff in my handbag.

Anna: What about you, Roberts? What marvels do you have, apart from your miniature encyclopaedia?

Robert: Not much. I have my trusty knife with me - at least it will open up those tins of food. I also have my wallet, full of useless money (I never thought I'd hear myself saying that), and a letter from a relative. Ahh, no portable shaver. What are we going to use to shave with? I don't particularly want to grow a beard.

Hai Cha: That is a thought. But there must be some implements used by the people of this time.

Robert: Of course. Well, even homo sapiens nod. I must be more tired than I realised. Late night last night. That's it. I don't even have a comb on me.

Anna: I have both a comb and a brush. Also makeup, lipstick, mascara ...

Robert: Right. All of those absolutely essential women's items. Mascara, for crying out loud!

Anna: Mascara is a woman's magic wand. You can laugh, Roberts, but then you obviously don't know the power of the fluttering lashes.

Robert: I have to admit, I've never fluttered my eyelashes at anyone.

Anna: Please, don't feel compelled to start now. But for a woman, fluttery will get you anywhere.

Robert: Last time I checked, I was not a woman.

Anna: We all have our crosses to bear.

Mary: I've got some of my makeup with me. I never leave the house without my lipstick. Look. Cherry Smash, it's called.

SF17 - Unsnapping of briefcase.

Anna: Yes. Well, you know about my computer. This is it. An eighty megabyte hard disk drive, a CD-R drive, some CD-Roms ... I had better check that it's still working. Travelling through time might have done unspeakable things to its memory.

SF18 - Whirr of computer starting up

Anna: It seems to be all right. It's booting up without any problems. Wait... what? Oh, impossible!

Robert: What? What is it?

Anna: This is incalculable - or rather... it should be. It doesn't make any sense. Look - this is the current date, which should be today's date ... I mean, the date we got into the lift. Instead, look here. February the 25th, 1381. That implies that, by whatever means we were transported through time, the computer was somehow able to track that path. Most peculiar.

Robert: It just goes to show that it was something measurable (ergo, scientific) that transported us. We're not dealing with magic here, just with some astoundingly sophisticated science of which we in the twentieth century were not aware.

Anna: That sounds exactly like magic to me. Is it possible, in an age in which all - even the integrity of our environment - is sacrificed to great god Technology, that we should remain ignorant of scientific masterpieces which make our efforts look like a child's Leggo attempts?

Hai Cha: We must keep our cool, yes? Here comes the intrepid time traveller, coming down to land in the fourteenth century. Joe Cool.

Mary: What?

Hai Cha: Snoopy. One of Peanuts' characters, yes? I like Snoopy very much.

Robert: Yeah, for a beagle he's pretty cluey. What programs do you have on there, Anna?

Anna: Well, no games, sorry. Only a database program, Word, my favourite graphics programme, etc., etc., and some of my own programming. Unfortunately I don't have a printer with me.

Mary: It's a really tiny screen, isn't it? My sister's got a computer, back home. Some sort of box-thing, it is - her kids play a car chase with that cartoon rabbit character. Incredible what they can do these days.

Hai Cha: Excuse me, these days are not here yet.

Mary: You know what I mean. Oh, how are we going to get back? I want to go home. I want to see my Poochie, and ...

Robert: We'll find a way, if it's humanly possible. And since we know it is possible, that's half the battle. What else do you have in that briefcase, Anna? Or is that it?

SF19 - Rustling through papers

Anna: Keep your hands out of my briefcase, Roberts!

Robert: Whoa! What do we have here? So you weren't kidding around when you said you had a diploma in self-defence. And here we have a diploma in cooking (cordon bleu, I hope?), and a diploma from a Drama School, and a diploma in Car Mechanics ... why do you carry these diplomas around with you? Not that I'm not impressed - I am. When we get back to our own time, you can have a look under the hood of my car. Something keeps rattling. And while you're there, you could cook me dinner.

Anna: The rattling sound is probably in your head, not under your car bonnet. And the day I cook you dinner, Roberts, will be the day they cart you away to hospital to treat you for arsenic poisoning.

Robert: What sort of cookery course did you take? Tut, tut. Ah, here comes Bruno, laden with ... not much.

SF20 - Shuffling feet, platters on table

Bruno: Sorry I am indeed, that I took so long. But some of the food was rotten, it was, so much that the stench of it fair turned my stomach. This 'ere food is fine, what there is of it.

Anna: Thank goodness that we have those tins of food. Mary, hand a few of those tins to Roberts. He can open them for us.

Mary: All right. I think I'll have a bit of cake, too. Here, Robert. If you'd be kind enough to open these ...

Robert: No problem. Okay, Bruno, any ideas on how to get us back to our own century?

SF21 - Tins being cut open

Bruno: No.

Hai Cha: That is - what you say - short and sweet?

Robert: That's one way of putting it.

Anna: Isn't there anyone you know who might be able to help us? There must be someone. A friend of this Betrick's, for instance? Any other inventors?

Bruno: No. Not that I know of. 'Course, there's Arlack the Wiseman, but 'e wouldn't 'elp you.

Mary: Why not?

Bruno: Because all 'e cares about is finding the Shrivelled Rose.

Anna: The Shrivelled Rose again! Do people really believe that it has some magical power? I suppose you believe in elves at the bottom of your garden, too.

Bruno: Elves? Lord luv you, not at all. Fairies, maybe, but not elves.

Robert: Would this Arlack be of any use to us at all? I mean, would he know anything useful?

Bruno: Well, let me put it this way. Betrick and 'e, they were deadly rivals. They both wanted to find the Shrivelled Rose, to make them the most powerful men in the land. According to the old legends ...

Anna: Yes, we know. It has power at midnight, or something. Well, I suppose this Arlack is one possibility. On the other hand, we still haven't searched this castle for any plans, or for the gold which Bruno says is here.

Mary: But if it's Betrick's gold, we can't really take it.

Robert: It's no use to him now, wherever he is.

Hai Cha: I suggest we look in the daylight. It is too dark now for a thorough search. Let us sleep now.

Bruno: That's much the best idea. You don't want any lights burning when the Black Thumb rides darkly through the night. 'E might come for us.

Robert: I'm really going to have to meet this guy some day. I can't believe he's as terrifying as you make out, Bruno. I suppose there are bedrooms here?

Bruno: Bedchambers? Of course! Lots of 'em. Betrick was mad, I told you. All those rooms, and nobody to put in 'em. 'Cause they all knew he was mad. Of course, I don't think Arlack the Wiseman is so very sane, either. Down this hallway, my lords, my ladies ...

SF21 - Music as voice fades

Stay tuned for the next episode of...

The Pilgrims of the Shrivelled Rose

One thing I'd appreciate feedback on - is Robert Roberts "American" enough? With my first version of this, I had him saying "car bonnet" instead of "hood"... I fixed that up after Asrai drew my attention to it.

Anything else that needs to be americanised?

Very nice, Al. I do hope I might hear that some day.

Robert's use of the word "cluey" is a little out of character, and there arent as many contractions in his speech as might be expected, but otherwise you're doing great in that regard. Heck, you're doing absolutely fabulous in all regards.

I shall post the next chapter anon.

That means soon, not anonymously. <grin>

This play is actually WRITTEN up to episode... well, quite a way in... It's just sheer laziness that has stopped me from posting...

ROFLOL! I've already read this play a few times, I think - but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it again. Thanks for posting!

Not that I don't come here often or anything...

"Oh come on, it's been months since you even looked at this place. "

Shush! As I was saying, I just noticed this, and since I've seen it at least once before, I thought I'd actually stop in and say something.

Something.

Eric, now nice of you to drop by. If you do read this, be it known that I'm currently htmling it (TOO MUCH WORK! It all needs to be tabled, because of lining up the character names at the start of each speech. How annoying and painstaking).

I'm also making it tighter and funnier. I think.